"Changes"

Who am I now? Because I can't really see,
Why does this person in the mirror not resemble me?
He's not who I am or what I aim to be.
Something completely different, a ghost of a memory.

I tried so hard back then to become something better,
To have a love I thought I deserved, to keep us together.
But life had different plans and that love was severed,
She was taken from me of her own accord it hurt worse than ever
Thought I'd known pain before that, but it was just life.
It was becoming more common, as an adult I'd face strife.
I wasn't ready, and I swear I'm still not ready to step from the light.
I tried so hard to keep myself elevated from the dark but now I fall to the night.

My life became something so much worse as I reached a mature age,
While emotionally and mentally nothing was different but my life turned a page.
It was to be harder for me, no matter what I chose as a phase.
I was to wander alone in this life and find my own way, to exit this maze.

For three years this rut has grown and I'm stuck on the same path.
I wanted myself to be changed but I'm still influenced by my past.
Even now when I stare at the stars and lay my body in the grass,
I'm remembering the times before and making each move too fast.
Trying evermore to recapture what I'd lost and make it somehow last.
I want to go back sometimes, though I should move on and let it all pass.

My life became a paradox, while I allowed myself to fall farther.
I told myself I'd be different than before and somehow became a martyr.
I wanted to move in the opposite direction but still I faltered.

I keep pushing on, to move my life forward but I'm left behind.
I had many friends before now they're nowhere in sight.
I tried to keep them close, but I went took the left path and they took right.
When I turned to ask them for their help, they were gone without a sign.

I suppose I can only blame myself, I'm a bit weird and out there.
Not everyone can handle what I was, depressed and living without a care.
I hid behind a mask of happiness while slowly ripping away tear by tear.
Silently repeating to myself that life wasn't fair.

Of course it's not fair, I whisper gently.
The reason I tried keeping so many people around was because I felt empty.

I always felt alone no matter who I was with, dating or friends.
Because I knew when it came time to be cut off, I was a loose end.
Three years past and still I'm here trying to make amends.

I can't change who I used to be and don't know who I'll become,
I can't promise to give trust again easily, it needs to be won.
I gave myself completely before and was burned by the sun,
Then left alone with my thoughts weighing on my mind like a loaded gun.

I did change and I thought that I had become a great man.
Shit, becoming nicer and doing better was sort of the plan.
Still all people care about is my past, it's like they don't give a damn;
They don't give a damn that I changed everything about who I am.

I got too comfortable and got spurned and scorned.
She had my heart but with her it was ripped and torn.
I didn't learn anything from my last time, not once before.

After this happened I felt broken but made not a sound.
The only thing I cared about was searching for love again, even abound.
Looking for it in everything, every little rebound.

I realized that I was still broken from a former love,
Searching for a way to feel like I was enough,
Like I was finally worthy of her and I thought I was.

I could never let go and say goodbye, it weighed me down.
While everyone else flew free I was left alone to drown.
My feelings were what buried me beneath the ground,
I thought that I didn't want to be found.

After so long, I found myself, and learned how to stand again.
Now I'm rebuilding what I lost and I'm ready to let others in.
But I refuse to become a wreck once more even over a friend.

I lost sense of something but it's back, my conscience.
I learned of everything I'd done and its consequence.
Now I live for me and me alone, while I rebuild my confidence.

I tell you now, I know my worth.
I won't be let down into the dirt.
It's you or me, and I'm coming first.
My life, and my time, you can't let me down but I can make you hurt.